Is This Growth - Or Am I Just People-Pleasing Again?
Learning to Tell the Difference Between Maturity and Self-Abandonment
You’ve changed.
You don’t react the way you used to.
You pause more.
You choose your battles.
You’re calmer, quieter, more “understanding.”
And yet, somewhere inside, a question keeps surfacing:
“Is this growth… or am I just shrinking myself to keep the peace?”
At Mindful Insights Psychotherapy, this question comes up often, especially for people who are deeply reflective, emotionally attuned, and committed to healing. It’s a nuanced question, and an important one, because on the surface, growth and people-pleasing can look very similar.
Both involve restraint.
Both involve consideration.
Both can sound like maturity.
But internally, they feel very different.
Let’s unpack how to tell the difference, without shaming the parts of you that learned to survive through pleasing others.
Why Growth and People-Pleasing Can Look the Same From the Outside
From the outside, both growth and people-pleasing might look like:
staying calm instead of reactive
letting things go
being flexible or accommodating
prioritizing harmony
choosing not to escalate conflict
The difference isn’t in the behaviour.
It’s in what’s happening inside your body and nervous system when you do it.
True growth comes from choice.
People-pleasing comes from fear.
What People-Pleasing Actually Is (And Why It’s So Misunderstood)
People-pleasing isn’t about being “too nice” or weak.
It’s a learned survival strategy.
Many people who struggle with people-pleasing grew up in environments where:
conflict felt unsafe
love or approval felt conditional
emotional needs were minimized or criticized
being “easy” or “good” kept relationships intact
Over time, the nervous system learns a quiet rule:
“If I stay agreeable, I stay connected.”
From an attachment- and trauma-informed perspective, people-pleasing is often a fawn response, a way of regulating threat by appeasing others. It’s not manipulation. It’s protection.
And it often follows people well into adulthood, even after they’ve done a lot of inner work.
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How Growth Feels in the Body
When a response comes from genuine growth, you might notice:
a sense of groundedness, even if the choice is hard
clarity about why you’re responding the way you are
some discomfort, but not panic
an ability to tolerate disagreement without losing yourself
self-respect that remains intact afterward
Growth may feel uncomfortable, but it doesn’t feel erasing.
You’re still present with yourself.
How People-Pleasing Feels in the Body
When a response comes from people-pleasing, the internal experience often includes:
anxiety before or after the interaction
a sense of bracing or hyper-vigilance
relief followed by resentment
replaying the interaction later
feeling invisible, small, or disconnected from yourself
a quiet grief that you didn’t speak your truth
People-pleasing often comes with an internal bargain:
“I’ll abandon myself a little, so this relationship doesn’t leave.”
That cost accumulates over time.
A Helpful Question to Ask Yourself
Instead of asking, “Was that mature?”
Try asking:
“Did I choose this, or did I feel like I had no other option?”
Growth expands your sense of choice.
People-pleasing narrows it.
Why Healing Can Make This Confusing at First
As you heal, you often become more empathetic, reflective, and aware of nuance. That’s real growth. But if you’ve historically been rewarded for being accommodating, it’s easy for people-pleasing to masquerade as emotional intelligence.
You may start telling yourself:
“I’m just being understanding.”
“I don’t want to make things awkward.”
“I’m choosing peace.”
And sometimes, that’s true.
Other times, it’s an old pattern dressed in new language.
At Mindful Insights Psychotherapy, we often say:
Insight without embodiment can still lead to self-abandonment.
Growth Does Not Require You to Disappear
One of the clearest markers of growth is this:
You can care about others without disappearing from yourself.
Growth allows for:
boundaries and compassion
empathy and self-respect
flexibility and integrity
You don’t have to harden to grow.
But you also don’t have to stay soft at your own expense.
How Therapy Helps You Tell the Difference
Therapy isn’t about turning you into someone who never compromises. It’s about helping you recognize when compromise becomes self-betrayal.
In therapy at Mindful Insights Psychotherapy, we often explore:
where your people-pleasing began and what it protected you from
how your nervous system responds to conflict or disapproval
the difference between regulated choice and fear-based compliance
how to tolerate discomfort without abandoning yourself
how to repair relationships without sacrificing authenticity
Over time, clients begin to trust themselves more, not because they’ve become “better,” but because they’ve become more aligned.
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👉 The Exhaustion of Always Being Strong
You’re Not Regressing - You’re Becoming More Honest
If you’re questioning whether something is growth or people-pleasing, that’s not a setback.
It’s awareness.
And awareness is often the bridge between surviving and actually living.
At Mindful Insights Psychotherapy, we believe healing isn’t about becoming endlessly calm, agreeable, or evolved. It’s about becoming whole — including your needs, limits, and voice.
Growth isn’t measured by how little you upset others.
It’s measured by how little you abandon yourself.
And learning that difference is a powerful step toward real healing.
